They said it would get easier...

Before i went back to work i did whatever i could to "prep" for how i was going to feel, act and behave as a result of this big change. Quite frankly, i was a complete mess leading up to going back to work. I reached out to close friends...and those who weren't necessarily "good" friends, but fellow mommies nonetheless, who were more then willing to email me back, or reach out, just to talk about their experience and lend advice and insight.

The general theme of all of these conversations and/or email exchanges: It will get easier.

Not. Really.

A strange thing seems to be happening for me. Although my first day back was very hard - seeing Nate drive off with Reese, knowing i wasn't going to hear her playing in the house, or napping upstairs - i did what i thought was pretty damn good. And the day after that, and the day after that. In fact, i kept saying to myself, "Shit...look at me go! I'm not crying or anything." Sure i would think about her ALL day long, and i would feel sad, but i feel good about who's taking care of her and when i go to pick her she's so happy that i makes me feel even more confident about my decision.

Now, almost three weeks later, it's getting harder. I feel sad more often throughout the day when i think about her. I constantly wonder what she's doing, if she's making new noises, getting closer to crawling while playing on the floor, and hardest yet, if she's thinking to herself "Where's my Mommy?" Uh. Talk about driving a knife through my heart.

I was just sitting on the floor with her this evening just watching her play and i couldn't help but realize how much she's changing - and how fast it's happening. While it's all so exciting to see, i can't help but think that I'm really not seeing all of it as it's happening. Nope. That's what my babysitter gets to do now.

So, while i am really proud of myself for being back at work, and being able to say that i too provide for my daughter, i can't help but feel like "they" lied.

It doesn't get easier.